04 Jun Ending the relationship…
R unning your own business is something akin to being in a bad relationship, one that’s full of unreciprocated unconditional love. And you know it isn’t the healthiest relationship you’ve been in but you carry on for those days when you’re fist pumping the air with happiness, for those are the best days ever.
There are times when you can really envisage a bright and long future together, anything could be possible if you work together with a clear vision and stay on the same path.
But then in complete contrast you have days when you’re on your knees thinking, “I’ve given you everything I can possibly give, and still you want more?”
Just like any relationship you can put up with so much for so long and then you start to imagine a different future with a fresh start and so you wonder, what if we were to go our separate ways?
My catalyst for change
It was during the first few weeks of my fourth pregnancy that I started to rethink my future.
Mr C, my partner, was away for the month with work. I was crumbling under all day nausea, headaches and exhaustion. There was no real chance for rest, I had two energetic dogs to walk twice a day, a studio to run and yoga classes to teach and massage clients to see. My wedding was a few months away and the organization was also in the back of my mind.
On top of that I was dealing with the most immense amount of anxiety I’ve ever experienced. I was reliving my previous pregnancy losses and in between fighting back the urges to heave and throw up. I was grieving as if I’d already lost this baby.
There wasn’t one specific moment of clarity, it happened over a period of time. Whilst slowly loosing my sanity, I realized I’d reached my absolute limit, my mind was ping ponging from one worry to the next, I was feeling too ill to practice yoga and sitting still trying to meditate was just too emotionally painful.
I began to wonder…
What if I cleared my diary? What if I made my life so clear that I could just focus on one thing, the thing that was THE most important.
The only thing that I believe is actually real and worth having more of in your life. So for me it was time to re focus my ideas and my energy on family, to try and create a space both physically and emotionally supportive enough for the baby that I hoped beyond hope would survive this time.